I've been working a lot more at Chili's, getting more shifts, with more responsibility, which allows more time at work and more tips. I'm really just trying to work a lot now so that I can save up my money so I'll have something to come back to when I get back in August.
I went "home," as I like to call it, to Wilmington last week for UNCW's spring break. Just about all of the Sozo staff were leaving to go on mission trips with college teams so I decided that I would take the week off of work and go spend some time with family and friends. Needless to say it was a phenomenal week. That place never ceases to amaze me. The weather was perfection. I spent so much time on the beach. I spent just about every day with one if not all of the youth from Scotts Hill. It was so good and refreshing to be around the students that have so deeply impacted my life over the past two and a half years. It stirred up a lot of emotions and thoughts in my heart about my future and what the Lord has in store. I talked to my roommate Allen about it today and how since I've been in Birmingham I've been able to spend more intimate time with the Lord than ever before, and I'm so thankful for that. Although I will admit that being alone has it's challenges I'm comforted knowing that I'm never truly alone and that my Creator is always living within me, alongside of me, and looking over me. So this intimate time has been a major period of growth along this journey the Lord has placed me on and I'm beyond grateful. But I told Allen, that no matter how much I learn about trust and no matter how much of that trust I place in God I will continue to ponder my future. Not seeking anything in particular, but just wondering. So this time in Wilmington stirred those thoughts up a little bit about what my future with Sozo looks like and what my future with Scotts Hill and/or youth looks like. But they're good thoughts. Allen returned with, "we want you to go where you feel like the Lord is leading you and we will support you in whatever you decide, but try to live out where you are now." And I couldn't agree more...just another way the Lord has provided for me...solid roommates who are chasing after God's heart.
So that being said, I'm more comfortable now doing things on my own. I went to two movies last week by myself. I love going to the park and reading or going in to coffee shops and journaling. This time alone gives me the opportunity to think, reflect, and truly engage in what it is the Lord is calling me to do throughout each day. I strongly encourage anyone who is reading this blog to set aside time if not daily, then weekly, to just be alone. It's challenging to find the time, but the reward is great. The Lord will show up and it allows you to rid yourself of the constant, day-to-day, rush of getting things done. You have time.
I've also been challenged a lot with not just setting an example in a worldly environment, but knowing what is the right time to share the Gospel. Because I fully believe that the Gospel should be shared as often as possible, because that is our mission, "make disciples of ALL nations...," and you do that by telling God's truth and sharing His Gospel. But my challenge is what is the balance between loving someone unconditionally with God's love and telling them that the way they are living their life isn't the way God intended. I'm continuing to pray about this timing as well as the confidence to trust the Lord that He will use my conversations, whatever they may be, to get His truth conveyed to each individual.
Lastly, the Lord teaches me daily new ways to be humble before Him and His people. And a major way that I am learning that is through the desire to feel needed. This goes along with loneliness, but to a different degree. The desire to feel wanted and needed are two different things in my opinion. When you are lonely you have the desire to be wanted by someone or something, in most cases. But when you are proud you have the desire to be needed. The Lord is teaching me that in most cases I'm not needed. I am a tool used by the Most High God in whatever way He has constructed for my life, but He will finish out His will one way or another, whether I'm involved or not. Thankfully I have been "holy, chosen, and loved..." by our God and I have the grace, mercy, and opportunity to be a part of His plan, but I'm not needed and I don't need to feel that I'm needed. This has been a big struggle, especially with the students back home. If the Lord wants and desires to place someone else who will lead these students to the point that they don't have the desire to call or update me on life, then I must trust that is the Lord's plan. He desires for these students to succeed in life by pursuing Him above all else and if that means for me to have been a stepping stone and for them to move on now, may I trust the Lord with that.
I ask for your prayers as I continue to live out my days here in Birmingham until I reach the time to leave for Uganda, that I will be attentive to the Lord. That I will be humbled by His astounding beauty and resounding presence. And that I will constantly fear Him and trust Him in every way He challenges me.
I thank each of you for taking the time to be a part of this journey. May the Lord bless you in your faithfulness.
"There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins."
Ecclesiastes 7:20
"Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil."
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
Carson
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